Alone in this world with no one to count on, alone like a little lost child. A young girl who doesn't know her way, that was me on that very special day!
When you think no one is there for you, like nothing can go right, turn your eyes to heaven and you will see the Light!
Rebellion should have been my middle name. I thought that I was indestructible, that nothing could hurt me, boy was I wrong. I always wanted to fit in so I would act like someone I was clearly not. It was always like I had a mask on so no one could tell who I truly was. To be completely honest I didn't know who I was. I was the typical white girl trying to act black. I thought that I could fight anyone, even boys and win.
I would argue with anyone who gave me any kind of problem, my day was not complete till I got in someones face. By the time I was in the 8th grade I was still getting into arguments and fight all the time, but I thought I was even better because I would never really get caught. I only got 2 referrals for fighting till I got sent to the second chance school. I had to sit in their ISD(in school detention) for three days and on the first day on the bus there was a fight that happened in the seat in front of me. None of this stopped the way I acted because again I thought I was the indestructible. Now to high school, yes I was the new fish but still no one was going to get in my way.I was now tired of getting into actual fights but I would still argue with anyone even my teachers at times. About half way through the year I started dating a senior that played on the varsity football and varsity basketball team, so once again I thought I was big and bad. My family did not like us being together for many reasons, but I saw nothing wrong with our relationship so I did not care. I started getting closer to him and further away from my family, and before to long my family didn't want to have anything to do with me & I was ok with that. I had no one but my sister and my boyfriend at the time, because I also ditched most of my friends to spend time with that boy. My family tried to intervene many times but I didn't care. They even went so far as to move me to Texas to get me away from the area completely.
In Texas I met some of the best people a girl could ever wish to be in their life. I had 2 friends whom I would consider my best friends through that time, we spent so many days together and we loved to have themed sleep overs. My view of myself and others started to change, but I still kept the boy. My step dad found out about my boyfriend after about 6 months of us living in Texas and he flipped a gasket. He started yelling and did not stop till I was out of the house. So I had to leave Texas and all of my wonderful friends. Back in my home town nothing had changed, I went right back to my old ways. My grandparents tried to help me by taking me to church but all that did was tighten my mask to my face. I would try to act good around my family & around the church but when it was just me I still felt lonely, and as if I would not ever know how to get away from not being myself. Eventually I found out that my then boyfriend of a year had been cheating on me just about the whole time. My friends tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen I thought he loved me and that was all that mattered to me. So now I had a few people in my family talking to me, no friends talking to me, and no boyfriend. I didn't care about going to church, I thought how could the Lord be real if he has let all these things happen.
Once again all alone, I stopped going to church with my grandmother & turned to partying. I never got really heavy into partying I just drank every other weekend with some friends. I got back together with the guy who cheated on me and hey he was 21 so he could buy us whatever alcohol we wanted, so I was "happy" again. Although living my life this way NEVER made me truly happy and I didn't have true Joy. My cousins saw me going down this wrong path once again and started taking me to church with them. They never forced me to go, but they didn't have to because my mom was the one making us(my sister & I) go. Oh by the way I have failed to mention up to this point that I have a little sister whom is a year & a half younger than me & has always seen what I was doing and always looked up to me in some way. So I hated going to this church as well, but the people were really nice so it wasn't to bad. The youth group from this church were going to Wild Adventures, which sounds like fun but it was on my sister's birthday so we wanted to go get some alcohol for that night. Yes, my mom made us go on the trip & we were so mad at first, until we started actually making friends. I talked to two people(who are now my best friends in the whole world) the whole way to the park. So now no one had to force me to go to church but I was not going for the right reason. I only went to church to see my friends, and could really care less about the message that I heard every Sunday and every Wednesday. Actually on the weekends I was till sneaking out to see my boyfriend at the time, and sometimes sneaking him in my house. I loved the people at the church but it didn't change how I felt about what kind of life I was living till February of 2009, when the Holy Spirit finally brought me to my knees. I found out within the next few days that my boyfriend cheated on me again, and I was done with him and done with that part of my life! :) I through all of my problems behind me, picked up my cross and starting following the Lord. I found true Joy with the Lord and I finally found myself. There is no better feeling in this world than the feeling that you know you will be in Heaven one day with our one and only true father. After being saved my whole perspective on life changed, and I saw things from a whole different light, through His light.
I started getting along with my family and I actually had friends. Not only did the Lord Bless me with my family and friends but I started to see that even when I thought I was alone and no one was with me at times, I still had Him. There are so many chapters that you go through in life, and they are all a lot easier to read when you have the Lord on your side. To this very day He continues to Bless me in many ways. It is only by His Grace that I am saved and by His Grace that I now have my own place, a wonderful job, and I start college again in the fall! Given there will always be quicksand wherever we go because we all sin, but no matter what the Lord will always help us up and plant our feet back on solid ground! After all He gave His life for us, so that our sins can be forgiven and He loves us all the same!! He has a voice so powerful even the winds and the seas obey Him.
And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Mark 4:39
Many times in life things of this world try to bring us down but always stay focused on Him and he will guide your path.
I have Fought the good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7
Through everything Christ is with you and if you keep your faith in Him and Him alone then everything else will fall in place. Trust in the Lord always, He can make your path straight!
